I am going to talk about something very close and personal today. I am going to talk about my wedding that did not happen today like I planned on it about five months ago. I was supposed to get married this morning in the Ogden Utah Temple. I strongly believe that both of us are glad that it didn't happen, but I felt like I wanted to open up and share the things I learned.
I would like to thank my ex-fiance for teaching me a very important lesson rather quickly and probably in the only way that I could learn. After coming home from my mission I was excited to discover who I really was, chase my dreams, and get married and have a happily ever after. I really felt like all the pieces were coming together as I starting dating this guy and we started thinking about marriage (because that is what people do after serving missions). Only after several things blew up in my face did I realize that what I thought was going great and wonderfully was really not. I also found that things weren't really as I was seeing them.
Yes, this does include what I understood about my then fiance, but I think the most important lesson was about myself. I was not who I thought I was. I felt I was heading in the right direction, I was seeking out my true self, stretching, finding and developing new skills, and it was paying off. What I know realize was that I was chasing someone that I wasn't. I was applying to internships at the same time, and they were heavily swayed by our decision to get married (and they might have actually encouraged me to talk about marriage sooner because I had major decisions to make that would effect the ability of us to stay in the same area). I was going to be a consultant intern at an accounting firm and I thought it was a great match for my skills and where my life was heading.
I was trying to be the person that fit into that category. I was trying to be the person that fit my ex-fiance because that was the ideal that I had set up for myself. I thought we were so compatible in everything, but then I saw that I did not properly see myself or him. I saw what I thought I was and what I expected the match for who I was. Sorry for the pain and confusion I caused, but I learn best by trial and error.
Reflecting, I learned a lot about myself. I am impulsive (not quite to Gryffindor levels, but still). I do not like a steady regular job, I would much rather take great risks and try new things that haven't been done before. My personality did not go well with my ex-fiance because he couldn't understand my changing thoughts and not so regular views on life. He was very fixed and firm, which many girls like and need, but not who I am and what I want now. I am flighty and very easily influenced and not at the same time. I am quiet and shy at times and other times I take the initiative in getting to know people. I guess it is easy enough to say that I am inconsistent...if my blogging habits don't show you that I don't know what else does. (If you wanted to know for the month I blogged basically every day, what happened was that I had blogging fever and would write several posts and then I would save them and post them as the days happened). My irregularity would not have gone well with my ex-fiance. I still do not understand myself one hundred percent, but I will take my journey and figure it out.
Since tomorrow is also Valentine's Day, I want to share the relationship advice I learned. Sometimes it is the right thing to walk away from a 'great guy'. It is a complicated world and usually we set up expectations that do not match who we truly are or what would really make us happy. As we learn that we can adjust our list and our lives to better match the person who we really would be happy to be with: the right version of ourselves.
I would like to thank my ex-fiance for teaching me a very important lesson rather quickly and probably in the only way that I could learn. After coming home from my mission I was excited to discover who I really was, chase my dreams, and get married and have a happily ever after. I really felt like all the pieces were coming together as I starting dating this guy and we started thinking about marriage (because that is what people do after serving missions). Only after several things blew up in my face did I realize that what I thought was going great and wonderfully was really not. I also found that things weren't really as I was seeing them.
Yes, this does include what I understood about my then fiance, but I think the most important lesson was about myself. I was not who I thought I was. I felt I was heading in the right direction, I was seeking out my true self, stretching, finding and developing new skills, and it was paying off. What I know realize was that I was chasing someone that I wasn't. I was applying to internships at the same time, and they were heavily swayed by our decision to get married (and they might have actually encouraged me to talk about marriage sooner because I had major decisions to make that would effect the ability of us to stay in the same area). I was going to be a consultant intern at an accounting firm and I thought it was a great match for my skills and where my life was heading.
I was trying to be the person that fit into that category. I was trying to be the person that fit my ex-fiance because that was the ideal that I had set up for myself. I thought we were so compatible in everything, but then I saw that I did not properly see myself or him. I saw what I thought I was and what I expected the match for who I was. Sorry for the pain and confusion I caused, but I learn best by trial and error.
Reflecting, I learned a lot about myself. I am impulsive (not quite to Gryffindor levels, but still). I do not like a steady regular job, I would much rather take great risks and try new things that haven't been done before. My personality did not go well with my ex-fiance because he couldn't understand my changing thoughts and not so regular views on life. He was very fixed and firm, which many girls like and need, but not who I am and what I want now. I am flighty and very easily influenced and not at the same time. I am quiet and shy at times and other times I take the initiative in getting to know people. I guess it is easy enough to say that I am inconsistent...if my blogging habits don't show you that I don't know what else does. (If you wanted to know for the month I blogged basically every day, what happened was that I had blogging fever and would write several posts and then I would save them and post them as the days happened). My irregularity would not have gone well with my ex-fiance. I still do not understand myself one hundred percent, but I will take my journey and figure it out.
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| pinterest,com, and I mean this about myself as much as I mean my ex-fiance |
Since tomorrow is also Valentine's Day, I want to share the relationship advice I learned. Sometimes it is the right thing to walk away from a 'great guy'. It is a complicated world and usually we set up expectations that do not match who we truly are or what would really make us happy. As we learn that we can adjust our list and our lives to better match the person who we really would be happy to be with: the right version of ourselves.
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